“Please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism - it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.” - Conan O’Brien (how timely!)

Surprise, surprise, I’ve been a moody emotional vampire lately. So much so that I really dreaded visiting a preschool the other day, because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have the energy for it. Somehow, though, those kids brought it out of me, holding my hand and dragging me wherever they went. By the end of that day, my problems weren’t gone, but I felt a lot better about them. Little kids are good that way.

Sometimes I feel like trying to be kind hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I want so badly to be a mean, selfish person, and just take what I want. But everytime I’ve done that, I never get what I want and I feel even worse. It’s so hard to figure out how to deal with people, sometimes - not because they’re Japanese, or American, or whatever - because people, being people, will always have different motivations and feelings than yourself. And that’s okay. I’ve figured that part out. It’s just that I don’t know how to stop it from hurting anyway.

But then I think to myself - look, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve got your dream job, you’re living in your dream country, and you’re making a decent paycheck. You have food, clothing, shelter. Raging out against a world you think is against you doesn’t make you any more attractive of a person. All I can do is just keep trying, I guess. It’s not like I make my desires known either - I keep them hidden, for fear of being denied. I’m trying to be a more honest, decent person, but at the end of the day, I’m still a scaredy-cat. I wonder when it will be when I become the person I thought I could be?

But I’m so lucky. I really am. It may be “boring” to have zero boy drama whatsoever, but I think it will really do me good to focus on my work and my life for a little while (longer lol). It’s why I’m here, after all. Those little kids reminded me of that. Sometimes, on my low days, I just have to walk around town, seeing people live their lives - old people hobbling along, young couples hands intertwined, girls my age browsing for shoes - and remind myself that whatever my troubles are, they really aren’t such a big deal.